Book of SnK Drabbles (CRACKFIC - PROCEED WITH CAUTION)
by Theodore is Rice
Summary: Jean is offered drugs by a frog; Eren won't stop touching Jean's ass; it's not just a phase; Levi sings and is caught on camera (WAKE ME UP); and other humorous drabbles. EXCESSIVE OVERUSE OF PUNS [occasionally].
1. Frugs

**CHAPTER ONE: FRUGS. A FROG OFFERS JEAN DRUGS. INSPIRED BY MY FRIEND'S LOVELY DRAWING OF A FROG OFFERING DRUGS.**

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 _One day, as Jean was walking along the street... A frog hopped at him._

"Hey, kid." It said in a rather dark tone.

"Y-Yeah?"

And, _Jean thought,_ I'm not a kid.

 _"Want some drugs?" The frog asked._

"What? Why would you ask me that?!"

"C'mon, kid. We got the greeeen stuff." The frog urged him on. The scary thing was the Jean was considering it.

The frog's words... They were enticing. The 'green stuff.' Jean sucked in a breath and let it out.

"Show me what you got."

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 **Leave reviews.**

 **Theodore out.**


	2. Don't Touch My Butt

**Chapter Two; Eren won't stop touching Jean's ass.**

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Jean jumped about five feet in the air. It had happened again.

He turned around sharply and glared at Eren. "Stop!"

The green-eyed boy grinned at him. "Stop what?"

Jean's face reddened slightly. "You know what you're doing- Just stop!"

Eren shook his head and edged closer to the two-toned man. Jean turned around and tried to step away, but it was too late.

Eren had touched his ass again.

"EREN! CUT IT THE FUCK OUT!"

"Cut what out?" Eren asked coyly.

Jean growled (Neighed?) and sighed. "If I say it will you stop?"

"Maaaaayyyyyybeeeeee..."

It was better than nothing. "Stop touching my butt."

"No." And Eren did it again.

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 **Ayeee I need reviews.**


	3. Frugs: Part Two

**Part two of Frugs. I have no regrets.**

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 ** _Previously..._**

 _The frog's words... They were enticing. The 'green stuff.' Jean sucked in a breath and let it out._

 _"Show me what you got."_

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The frog nodded. "Good choice, kid." The amphibian's eyes darted around suspiciously before he held up an arm and spoke again. "Wait here for a second."

The frog hopped into a bush and, after a minute or two, came back. It let out a sigh. "You'd better follow me, horse-kid."

"H- Horse kid?" Jean spluttered; however, he followed the frog (Jean opted to step over the bush).

A few seconds later, the two-toned man saw exactly why.

Lily pads… Everywhere. Jean's eyes shone in appreciation.

"See? I told ya, I can't just show you _some_ of the merch. I gotta let you see it all."

It was true. The lily pads ranged in color and all of them looked healthy and juicy. Jean pointed to one floating in the middle of the pond.

It was forest green and shiny and it just _beckoned to him._

"Can I have that one? Yeah- that one at the center."

The frog gave him a look of approval. "You have a good eye, horse-kid. I'll give it to you, but not for free." The frog nodded as if to confirm its own words.

Jean knew what had to be done. He didn't want to, but he knew that it would be worth the sacrifice. "You mean..." He trailed off and looked at the frog, hoping (in vain) that he was wrong.

"Yeah, kid. Sing me a song."

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 **Ooh, cliffhangers. I was originally going to have Jean pull out a jar of flies, but why not have him sing a song?**


	4. Don't Touch My Butt: Part Two

**This is why Eren shouldn't touch Jean's butt.**

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Jean cursed and yelled, "Eren! I'm serious, quit touching me!"

The fiery teen considered it for a moment before lunging toward Jean. "Ha- nope!"

"Why do you do this?"

"I don't know, but you should start running."

Jean did just that. He ran out of the room and out of his house.

 _Aha- I know where to go._

Jean would take refuge in the stable. His horse would protect him.

The brown-eyed man ran into the stable and stood in front of his horse's stall. The stallion whinnied happily and nudged his owner's head.

The sound of footsteps grew louder and Eren sprinted up to Jean, tackling the taller of the two and, once again, touching his ass.

The stallion didn't like it. _Is he threatening my precious?_

The chestnut French Trotter kicked down the door of his stall in one smooth move. Jean heard the bang and jumped aside. "What the fuck?"

The two-toned man didn't have time to process what was going on.

 _Snap._ The sound seemed layered, as if three or four of… _something_ had broken at once.

The next thing that Jean registered was the sound of Eren screaming.

The horse had stomped on Eren's ribs.

And it looked like the stallion was going to do something else-

Jean winced when the horse's hoof came into contact with Eren's crotch.

 _Ouch._

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 **Sorry.**


	5. It's Not a Phase, Dad

**In which Eren says that it's not just a phase.**

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"Dad!" The eighteen-year-old shouted.

Grisha Jaeger frowned. "Eren, I'm right here. You don't need to shout."

Eren scowled at his father. "Yes, I DO. You can't just say that who I am isn't _me._ IT'S NOT JUST A PHASE, DAD."

The greyish-brown-haired man sighed. "Eren. This behavior from you isn't normal and I'm sure that it will pass, given time. That's the _definition_ of a phase."

The college student growled in frustration. "Oh- well, then, is your _job_ just a phase? It'll end eventually, right?!"

The frown on Grisha's face deepened. He just couldn't reason with his son. "Eren, no, it's not a phase. My job will last for a long time." _If I'm lucky,_ he thought. "What you're going through, however, _is_ a phase."

Eren's face had grown red with anger. "Well, you know what?" He yelled. " _YOU'RE_ A PHASE!"

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 **Sorry.**


	6. Marco's Freckles Will Colonize Your Face

**In which Marco's freckles are taken into great consideration.**

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It was late at night, and Jean and Eren were leaning against the wall outside their apartment.

"Hey, Eren?"

The addressed young man turned his head to look at Jean. "What?"

The brunet pondered his words for a moment. "If Marco dies..."

"Woah. Stop right there. Jean, are you high?" Eren questioned.

"What?! No!" Jean shook his head exasperatedly. "Just hear me out." The two-toned man tapped on his leg absentmindedly. "If Marco dies, do you think his freckles will crawl off of his face and - how do I put this? - colonize? - someone else's?"

Eren, who was about to retort with a snarky, "Of course not," stopped short. What came out of his mouth instead was, "I… I don't know. Maybe…"

Jean scoffed. "I need a definite answer!" He turned to Eren with an incredulous look on his face, as if he had thought of something completely different. "I mean- have you _seen_ the amount of freckles on that guys face? Damn."

Eren shuddered slightly. _The horse-face has a point… What if… What if it happens?_ "Jean, stop scaring me. It's never going to happen."

"Oh, yeah? I bet it is going to happen."

The green-eyed teenager looked off at the street in front of their apartment complex. "Well, yeah, but… I hope it doesn't." He looked Jean dead in the eyes. "Because if Marco died, his freckles would _totally_ crawl off of his face and take over another person's."

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 **At last, the question is answered.**

 **SQUAD I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY I DID THIS FOR YOU GUYS**

 **\- Theodore is Rice**


	7. The Rice Virus

**Uh**

 **idk man. My nickname is rice so i just went with it**

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"EREN!" Jean screeched.

"What do you want, you fucktard?" Was the angry response.

"I HAVE THE RICE VIRUS!"

"What the hell?"

"THE RICE VIRUS!" Footsteps drew nearer and Jean burst into Eren's room. "HELP!"

The green-eyed twenty-three-year-old furrowed his brow as he took in the appearance of the other man. Reddish eyes and poor balance. The smell of smoke wafted into the room. "Jean... Are you high?"

"Hell yeah!" The two-toned brunet shouted. He took a step closer to Eren.

"Jean. You smell like a fucking hippie. Get the hell away from me."

"EREN, QUIT BEING MEAN!"

"Jean. Get the fuck out."

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 **I'm a slut for reviews**

 **the hell am I saying**


	8. Dog Food

**Eren please don't eat dog food. Eren. EREN-**

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"Eren, I need to answer this. It's Annie. Just… stay in the living room and stay out of trouble. Okay? Oh, and Lex is sleeping. Don't wake him." Mikasa held the cell phone up to her ear and disappeared into her room, leaving her brother on the couch.

The green-eyed teenager sighed and stood up. No way was he going to sit there and be quiet. Not when there was food that he could steal and scarf down before Mikasa returned. Eren checked to see if Lex, Mikasa's German Shepherd, was still sleeping. The dog was out like a light.

He made his way to the kitchen and grinned when he saw a bag on the counter. Beef jerky. _I wonder how much I can eat before she comes back._

The brunet unzipped the bag and took a large handful, quickly stuffing a few pieces in his mouth.

It tasted a bit off, but that was okay. The majority of it was delicious. Eren set upon the rest of the bag like a ravenous wolf, and it was only when he was about to put the last piece in his mouth that Mikasa came out of her room.

"Eren!"

"What?" He turned to her, his mouth full.

"You can't eat that! It's jerky for my _dog!_ "

Eren had never, in his entire life, spit out anything more quickly that he did then.

The next few days saw Eren hunched over the toilet bowl. Mikasa refused to help him.

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 **okay but i'm still a slut for reviews**


	9. Will You Cut It Out?

Eren screamed loudly. "Jean! Get your ass in here!"

The brown-haired man burst into the room, eyes wide. "What is it! Do you need help? What happened?" 

_"THERE'S A SPIDER IN THE CORNER!"_

Jean stopped dead in his tracks.

"J... Jean? Are you okay? Jean?" Eren, forgetting about the spider, knelt down next to Jean, checking the taller one's pulse.

The horseface was dead.

"Damnit, Jean... You... You literally stopped _dead_ in your tracks."

Eren wiped at his eyes. "A pun... really... If you'd done that while you were alive, I'd say that you're dead to me, but, well..."

"God fucking damnit, Jean."


	10. SING FOR ME, LEVI

**people sure love to take advantage of Levi**

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There was a frog standing in front of Levi and he didn't know why.

"Hey, shortie."

"S-shortie?" Levi spluttered, his pride pushing aside the very notion that frogs weren't supposed to talk.

"Want some frugs?"

Oh, this frog. Levi had heard about him. The one that offered only the best frugs, the _green_ stuff. Levi scowled.

"I'm sorry, but I don't stoop down to frogs. I'm tall compared to you, and I will NOT be buying any frugs from you." Levi turned to walk away but was stopped by the frog's voice.

"C'mon, kid. We got the _greeeeen_ stuff."

Levi hesitated and faced the amphibian, moral restraint giving into curiosity. "The- the green stuff, you say?"

"Yeah. We got lots, shortie."

He needed it. He was COMPELLED to nod, to ask to see what was offered.

The frog led him behind a bush and Levi picked out a dark green lily pad at the edge of the pond. He made to leave once again, but the frog held up a webbed hand.

"Not yet, grump. You need to pay. With..."

Levi froze. What was this _price?_

"A song."

NO. NO. NO. Levi did not sing, thank you very much. He did not do anything of the sort. But, he thought, shaking his head, it was only fair. The frog didn't lie when he said that this was the best stuff.

"What- what song?"

"Oh, any. Just sing for me."

Levi took a deep breath, knowing what he would sing. It wasn't a hard decision, really.

 _"WAKE ME UP"_

 _"WAKE ME UP INSIDE"_

 _"CAN'T WAKE UP"_

 _"WAKE ME UP INSIDE"_

Levi belted out the lyrics with a determination unlike that of any other man.

When he finished the four lines, the frog nodded. "I'm impressed. Not many can handle singing both the backup vocals and the regulars. Go, take your frugs and go. I hope you come back soon."

The grey-eyed man smiled and left, pocketing the lily pad with a glance or two in the frog's direction.

After he was gone, the frog burst into laughter and fell, unable to support itself even with four legs. "Oh, God! It hurts! My stomach's going to break! I'm going to get abs!"

"Can frogs even get abs?" A new voice appeared, along with two figures. Eren toyed with his video camera, a wry smirk on his face, while Jean, who had posed the question, crossed his arms and looked down at the frog with some amusement.

The green animal, recovered from its laughing fit, shrugged. "I don't know. Anyways, kids, I did my thing, you got Levi singing that on camera, he got his frugs. We done here?"

"Very. Thank you, frog."

And they walked away, footage in hand and ready to be spread throughout their group of friends.

Levi would never forget this day and he would never sing again.


End file.
